The Partridge Family. The Monkees. Professional wrestling. Mr. Ed, the Talking Horse. Dolly Parton’s boobs. Milli Vanilli. Everything you love is fake. Well. I never loved Milli Vanilli. So, I was spared that heartbreak. But learning the truth about the rest of it was devastating news.
I so wanted to believe in a pretty and funny family that had musical talent coming out of its ears. There was the hot little sister and the cool older brother. The funny, oddball younger brother Danny who got even stranger when he grew up. The kinda-still-hot mom. This family had it all. Except for musical talent. That was faked.
I also loved the crazy antics of the Monkees. Watching their show was like watching music videos before music videos existed in my world. Funny. Talented. Musical hits that seemed to never end. Fake. Fake. Fake.
Harley Race is the NWA champion? It was hard to believe someone so fat and out of shape could be the champion. But he had the big belt, so I went along with that. I loved the smack talk. I enjoyed the high flyers. Macho Man Randy Savage. Jimmy Superfly Snuka. They were aerial artists. Oh. And fakes. Fakes most of all.
Mr. Ed. “A horse is a horse of course, of course.” He just really seemed to be talking to me. I guess I was a little naive on that one. But I could swear he was really talking.
Dolly Parton’s boobs. I met Dolly as she promoted a new ride at Dollywood years ago. I was working for the Asheville Citizen-Times as a reporter, and this was my dream assignment. She gave a small private performance for the media and shared her wit and wisdom. She doesn’t mind coming clean about her boobs. It’s information that seems obvious in the rearview mirror. But I so wanted to believe in them as a child, I guess I was blinded in her headlights like a deer.
When we were in Philadelphia last weekend, the tour guide told us that this was the house that Betsy Ross may or may not have lived in. Oh. One other thing. She was a seamstress, but there’s no actual proof that she sewed the American flag. Betsy Ross. Just another faker with a thimble and a dream who may or may not have lived in a house in Philadelphia.
Did you know that the glow that accompanied the attractive Yeoman Janice Rand in the original Star Trek was merely a camera trick and not a natural halo effect that accompanied her in real life?
Pluto is not even a planet. And it was your favorite planet. Fake.
Soylent Green is not food for people. It’s food made out of people. Horrifying fake!
P.S. It also turns out there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Fake. Go figure.